I suffered a third night of dry mouth syndrome.

Fucking hell. What made it even more pleasant is that I had, for the third time in as many days, a dream where my parents found out about me smoking.

I'm fucking never going to tell them. They definitely would not approve. Even if I am an adult, they'd probably try to punish me for it. I was brought up to think it was awful, something to never ever do. My mom always thought it was a gross habit. My dad smoked for 14 years ("only 4 years of that was actually cigarettes though"). He once told me "Don't smoke cigarettes. If you have to smoke, at least smoke the good stuff*"

*Yes, my father advised me to smoke pot.

So in the dream last night I had gone downtown, and I get a call that my parents are back in town. I remember my bathroom as it looks at the moment: a pack of cloves and a lighter on the edge of the bath, a cup half-full of ashes and cigarette butts, and my copy of Necrophilia Variations on the counter. I had been using the book as a solid surface behind my paper while I was making notes about everything I could remember - for better or for worse - and that paper (involving some not-so-complimentary remarks on the 'rents) had been left on the counter too.

I get home, and they had totally beaten me there. In an act of desperation, I go straight into the bathroom and hide everything either under the counter or in the back of the drawer. My dad comes in afterward and does the "playing dumb" thing, making me feel like shit while he finds the cigarettes and whatnot.

And because of my upbringing, I just felt the deepest fucking shame. It's not like I felt the shame because I'd been called out or anything. Like someone had finally just said "you know, smoking really isn't cool" and I was all like "Honoes, I'll look like a dork, I'd better quit. Thank you for aiding me in this realization, I feel so stupid now." It was just the disapproval. They're my parents. I don't want them to treat me like I don't know what I'm doing.

Anywho, I'm getting back to writing a bit more today.